Terrifying Beauty

Surprise Portrait

This showed up in my message folder...

There usually aren't (m)any pictures of us

Another thing I really like is how we're  

flanked by a portrait of Big A as a kid…


_

A Moody Goddess Kind of Day...

and crowded too.

In the Compost

Corpses wait
orange peel
egg shells
sliver of skin
hothouse scraps

Leavings
iced over
in furrows
hatch plans,
sharpening

The first
green spear
of spring,
terrifying
with constancy

_

Snow Secret

The snow like a balm
blanketing, quieting
wanting

An incomplete dragon
intermittent, young
uncertain

Raising itself as if
on a leash
to elegy


_______________
In memory of S.M. (1996-2014)
[From a memory of the beginning of Silas Marner.]


_

When Father-in-Law Gives You Peppers...

Make stuffed peppers…

_

"Two Beds, One Fight!"

Game developer: Nu

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All I remember from the Road Trip...

Dog fight!

_

Puppy's First Hotel Stay

Aloft Hotels, Chicago

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In the Middle of the Night...

All three of them…

_

All I remember from Christmas...

YSO

_

Some Days Begin Well...

_

Nom!

ButterCheese&Blueberry Fly

(Created by Ms. Nu)


_

"Summarizing"

On the way back from At's band concert we're discussing movies we'd like to watch over the Holiday break and Big A, newly 40, claims that Saige Paints the Sky, The American Girl Movie, is his pick.

It's not. He's doing it to make At and me giggle.

But Nu watched it twice and loves it.

So she decides to tell us the story.

+
+
+
+

Five minutes later; she finishes.

And then makes everyone in the car giggle again when she announces that--sadly, she had to leave out many details.

It can't be easy being the youngest.

_

Four Hours Before Newtown

Camille Dodero's compassionate account of a "suspected school shooter" What Kind of Monster Wants to Shoot Up His School.

(Made me miss doing CASA work.)

_

It's been a Year...

There hasn't been a single day I haven't thought about those kids, those teachers, those parents, those kids.

A list of 194 children who've died since then in Mother Jones.

And a list of mass shootings in 2013 on Reddit.

It has to get better in 2014.


-

Bathtime

Scout's gotten so big

At can barely carry him.

(So…  my Nu offered 

to carry both her brothers.)

Cliches, Glitches*

Sometimes…

the dog…

does eat homework…


* English is weird. In any other language, words that look like that would rhyme .
_

New Nu Notes

1.      [While helping me make dinner]
My best friend is Michael. His name's also Letrell. He said that his favorite color is pink. He said sometimes people laugh when he says that. He said I could laugh too if I wanted to. But I didn't. I think he's lucky to have a strong friend like me. I'm going to eat a good dinner so I can always protect him. (Michael is half the size of Nu.)


2.      [When I walked through the door; sitting me down in the living room]
Mama, if you're not there, I'm not there. [?] I want you to eat whole meals, [?] sleep well, and get lots of treats so you'll be happy and healthy.


3.       [Dinner with grandparents. At had just admitted that at a "Power of the Pen" sleepover at school, he had slept right through a fire alarm. Most of us at the table laughed at him. Fresh from a fire drill at school, Nu clutched her brother's arm tightly, then this in a voice wobbly with tears.]
Guys, [Mom and Dad] I know I said I'd live with you forever, but I'm going to live with Nana forever. He needs me to help him wake up if the fire alarm goes off.


4.     [Communing with Scout...]

Look: I'm a "huppy" (half human; half puppy).

_

The Last 12 Hours

Groggy from a long chat that ended after 2:00 a.m. A chat that started with Big A awake and frustrated at being awake since he has to work till at least midnight today.

A rendition of "Big Dogs Don't Cry" didn't help, so I started talking about Virginia Woolf and Martha Nussbaum. (What? It puts students to sleep?)

Meanwhile:

Trying not to think of how it was the anniversary of him smashing his wrist while skiing. 

Skirting the topic of why on earth does he have to start work at 7:00 a.m. doing stuff as part of an additional job he interviewed for in Feb and isn't being compensated for in any way. 

Finding out that fake yawns can't make your companions sleepy.

Thinking about Nu saying "people look at me weird"--which is worrying whether it's real or imagined. 

Finding out we were talking too loudly for Scout who sighed at us loudly and went to At's room for the rest of the night.

Then I woke up a little later because At was riffling through all his things because he couldn't remember where he put his inhaler and he had been reading about the 12-year-old in Canada who died at school without his inhaler before bed.

And students in and out all day, jittery with finals panic and juggling everything from cancer to toddlers.

_

Schooled

I was just browsing Shakespeare's Sister on a break and literally had my life interpreted for me.

In an article about high-heels, Melissa McEwan explains that for fat women, heels (which have been criticized by some feminists as a form of self harm) may seem a necessary defense:

Fat women have all kinds of narratives about sloppiness, laziness, dirtiness to overcome. Sometimes heels are a crucial part of looking "put together" in a way that sufficiently convinces people that we care about ourselves, that manages to counteract pervasive cultural narratives that fat people don't care about ourselves… I get treated completely differently at a $20 hair salon if I'm dressed up or dressed down. Two totally different experiences. I get treated differently at the doctor's office, and at the emergency room. I can't go to the ER in sweatpants, because I'll get shittier treatment. In an emergency, I have to worry if I am dressed up enough to prove that I deserve respect and care.

All round horrible. Points I completely empathize with without having experienced them myself. (Or so I think.)

And then the part that changes the way I count my life. Melissa McEwan continues:
I am speaking to my own experience here, but many women with other marginalized bodies have the same experience. Women of color, trans* women, women with disabilities, and other marginalized classes of women may strongly relate to the idea of having to be "put together" in order to be treated as human beings.
That would totally explain why after years of dressing in jeans and homespun tunics and putting a lot of thought into looking like I didn't care how I looked in India, I've become--after years of living in the West--consumed by fashion. Because looking like a vagabond* is cute only if people know that you're playing and know you're not really one.

*(as the nuns at my private school may have said)

_

Ain't it Grand(parents)!

_

The Kids Are Documenting My Lapses...

Turns out that when I promise 

to watch movies with them,

I end up falling asleep instead.

They have the pictures to prove it.

Realizing she'll have no one to boss around...

When big brother takes off for college.

(Big A assumes that the kids will be doctors. 

So far At--design; Nu--Art/Art teacher.

Even if Big A were really an Asian dad

--and not merely an Asian dad by proxy--

he couldn't be more disappointed.)

_

On the road together (5:00 a.m.)

It's always good to have a chubby-cheeked companion.


_

What she made for her teacher...

 Go and play!

(or--presumably--I'll spank you with a spatula?)

Hungry Games

Before we set off to Catching Fire with our 14-strong viewing party: Brunch!

 "Gale" (HA!) and Chickpea salad and President Snow's Rose Cupcakes

"Peeta" (Haha) chips and Katniss Hotness. We're so hilarious.

Take that, Goldieblox!

Read this article at Shakespeare's Sister if you want a respectful, comprehensive read about why Goldieblox is more of the same old in new pinkified packaging. The comments are wonderful too!

And in that spirit, here's something the kids 6 (F) and 14 (M) made this morning.

At (L); Nu (R)

_

Trying to get this done

with a mouse and many, many elephants...

_

Briefly

Skipping from fire to fear
the colors beyond mathematics

From innocence to indifference
telluric, ludic, dead like this


_

A Kind of Rhythm

Highrise
Skyscrapers thrust through my heart
hope rising floor
by floor


Freefall
Then an ocean, breaking every day
retreat, put myself
back together

_

Mixed Media/Metaphor

Life is a juggling act / Life is a blur

A Man's Job...

At work, hanging out with the kids.

(They're off from school because it's

the beginning of hunting season--seriously.)

Does Nu look like 

a(n) (in)famous historical character 

from Germany--or is that just me, Godwin-ing?

_

Après-Laundry

Hide from your siblings.

Knowing What to Say

Do you choke on the cold
let it cut you open

Do you use love
as a lasso

Romance experience
Experience romance

I build it
by taking it apart

smothered bruised
and seething like music

_

Prayer in the Storm

Today is
an avalanche

The night is
upset desert

packed light
snack light

Bring
morning

Sing
morning

by light
or not night

_

Improvising

My heart operates on battery.
Yes, you can read it two ways;
neither of them will make sense.

Somedays, you are my soul and
it's your ear I want to hug most.
(A testament--not much better.)

Although, your hands--do save me.
Sometimes their higher purpose is
to idly hold my tired, dripping face.

Many thousand feet above us, perhaps
stars dance ever slowly, unconcerned
their void filled with winking emoticons.


_

Lest I Forget

I don't speak to our dead everyday
even today, I'm just... just listening.
Listening for the way they whistle.

Mostly the dead never disappear
I can sweep up the dust and papers
and know they never appear either

Still the weight of their stare lingers
on my eyes, in smiles, the limit where
my breath slices my lungs like apples

And my freedom, this pulse I carry.
I close my eyes, every time the last
Holding in glances, instead of arms

_

I've been working like a dog...

and 

I'm beginning

 to pant like one 

too.

_

Mornings

Puppy and me at 4 a.m.

he yells at me if I move.

So I just sit here and work.

Cutest + toughest boss ever.

_

Location

Turning the stars with spatula arms
skies spill stars and mosquitoes

thunder like sprays of flowers
like dead deer, typewriters

hinting like a children's book
foretelling surprises, defeats.

Darkness is the little treat
lying in the womb

I wonder what it means
to share: I'm here

Yet know it means
something to you

in the slow interior
of your mood

Devout Puppies

_

Happy Deepavali!

May there be light, warmth, and love

while we try to get through 

to the bright side!

_

Home truths

Have been binge-watching Homeland over the past two days--but only because of a cold that ironically relieved me from having to obsess about writing and grading that needs to be done.

Four home truths of importance to no one but me:

1. Binge-watching is the only way A and I have ever watched the show. 
2. And almost as frequently we're falling asleep or talking and losing track. But we've never rewound any episode. Invariably, we're like "Eh--we'll figure it out in the recap of the next episode." 
3. Carrie's bipolarity almost makes it difficult to watch because it feels so intrusive--kinda of meta considering she's CIA and the stuff about the NSA and our private lives and all of that.
4. But if I'm being completely honest, the main reason I like the show is because it gives me a chance to hear A's moniker for the Brody character--"Ginger Bin Laden." It's not particularly clever, but to hear the ginger-haired A say it in his scoffingly supercilious tone makes me giggle like I'm in middle school every single time.

_

Boo! (Or, My Boos)

Posing (in order of height):

A little vampire, 

Louis from Left for Dead, 

and a guest--Glitterstim from Star Wars.

Not Posing:

all of the above + 

Scout as a medieval jouster's trusty steed.

(That puppy just loves his big brother.)

_

Safekeeping

Our paired vows
are ever air, unclear
          folded in English
          prickling with desire
shouting loud of love
candidates for fights
          we know no one wins
          entranced--not thinking at all.

But all day gather every thing
and thought, even ones tiny as almonds
          and bittersweet, for the hell of it
          to share after you've brushed
your teeth to shining at 3 a.m.
and our wishes surge huge
          flapping around us, fly us
          frail, beautiful with sleep.


_

On Nu's Lady Liberty

A asks me, 

"How can you still not want 

to be a U.S. citizen 

after seeing that picture?"

He says, 

"I want to be a poor, 

disheveled immigrant 

just so I can run to her."

_

Fear

Because of my insistence on
making monsters in the dark
they grow strong enough

to come for me in daylight

Their laughter running
bloody around the room
as I run around

chewing through ropes

that are all mine, mine.
Even light is useless
and the small blessings

bearing cacti like cake

I must survive
in wasting life
in the after life

_

Repentance

today's possibilities halve
carved by rain

cities are divided by winter
wondering, stoic

the grass hardens to ice
without answers

the crash--it is coming
ornate and faithless

won't stop until it explodes,
blooming like day


_

I wonder what he's thinking about

When he clambers up the sofa

to stand on his hind legs

with his front legs folded--

kinda leaning on his elbows--

with his "lovey" carefully
tucked under his arm

looking out of the window
across the water

watching the water rat 

 birds and the other dogs 

Happy Birthday Dad!

From the production titled,

"Visiting Dad at work to wish him a Happy Birthday:"

(Working Title: "Midnight Adventure")

Featuring: Nu on flowers,

At on baked goods, and

Scout with Balloon

_

In which I discover that I am a good Hindu girl after all...

I'm absent-mindedly humming along to the new mumbly masterpiece by Kings of Leon in the car.

And also: smiling.

At looks slightly horrified and asks me, "You know it's about suicide, right?"

What? Wait; you mean they're not talking about taking one in the temple... Oh.

_

As we recovered, there were some ... complications

_

Six is Magical...

Thanks to Grandma S for 

the bunny-popping-out-a-hat cake!

_

Helping me get... Helpy

Not sure what's going on, 

but yesterday, after making dinner

I just didn't have any more energy 

So the kids put me to bed.

And then Scout sat on my feet

--To make sure I don't get up? 

To fart on my feet for warmth? 

So no one would wake me up?

And that reminded me 

when Little A was little 

and would say "Helpy" 

when he meant "healthy."

_

Of Commutes

Our trees will soon be bones
snow-bleached death

their camouflage ripens
place, time

in the trenches of autumn
stars rent the sky

the monotony of brilliance
of looking away


_

Monday/Vijaya Dashami

sleeping, dreaming of sleep
I'm a tidy lady of the rain

humming like a flower 

to the bees

in the hive of my eyes,

bloodshot as rubies

a vision belabors

free of gravity

-

Rainbow-Toes and Butterflies

When I'm done...

I can get started...

I can hardly wait.

In Other Are You F*&^%ing Effing With Me News

I know you must feel terrible. I know I do every single day I drop my kids off at school. But Newtown people, it doesn't make any sense to raze your elementary school so another elementary school can be built on the same site. 

Over and over again at the link, the rhetoric is so that "we can bring our children home." I'm sorry. I'm sorry about it every day, but those children cannot come home.

Can you not use your resources on public health and education services instead and show the rest of us how to deal with and prevent those tragedies from happening?

_

What's so important, anyway?

no one understands...

Obviously this is a circumzenithal arc

Or at least that's what showed up 

when I assiduously googled 

"upside-down rainbow."

Taken on our evening walk by Nu.

It's caused by ice-crystals

in the atmosphere. Ulp.

_

It's Gotten Dark

It's nearing the end of September and I should have expected it. But I'm surprised by how dark it's gotten.

Also, it's Monday.

But I'm going to blame everything on how dark it's gotten.

It's why I needed to leave the door open to get dressed this morning and it shone on A's face in bed and he yelled at me and I yelled back and said his sleeping schedule was dysfunctional.

And the kids were still eating breakfast after I'd unloaded the dishwasher, made beds, made lunches, made eggs, tidied, got dressed (and yelled at) and I was mad.

And when I got to work, my Chair was in early and wanted to have a conversation with me. And the thing she wanted to talk about was awkward at first and then painful (for me).

And I worked obsessively in my windowless office for eight hours. About four hours in, I realized I was wearing blue paisley and gray, which is alright in theory, but was awful in the light.

Things got better once I got to the gas station: (a) made it just before the needle turned to empty (b) a red car pulled up beside me (c) the driver waved at me (d) after one too many seconds, I realized it was Big A (e) ended up smiling back at him (f) he pumped my gas (g) gave me a hug (h) I told him about my horrible work conversation (i) got hugged again (j) He took the grocery list off me.

And I got to go home and wheedle I-had-a-bad-day hugs from kids.

And they ate grilled cheese their dad made.

And I was excused from the "Poo-lympics" (picking up all the doggie poop in the grass).

I still have to work every waking minute on the thing my Chair talked about for the foreseeable future.

Unless there's an apocalypse.
_

Nuts

The oldest one is playing 

(saxophone) at an away game.

the littler ones spend the day 

jabbering, "joking," 

jabbering some more, 

making up crazy games, 

(one of which requires us 

to draw someone she's thinking of).

When I tell him, At smirks and asks,

"Do you appreciate me now?"

Always do; always have.

Always will.

_

Gathering

In some evolved vegan way

these plants might be animal;

the undersides of their leaves--

pale and vulnerable underbellies,

the amused puckering of the spines

then the bright stare of their stamen.

I search for the taut bright, 

the ovoid shapes that nest  

amongst roots, soil, leaves. 

Each tomato's jewel-red slope

finds the curve of my warm palm,

believes that it wants to come home.

Manifesto

We'll have to tell all our small, silly jokes
to save us one final time and well.

And fight the sour syllables of silence
friends at the bottom of the well.

Smile--like thoughts gods had briefly
fall on our knees, count seasons.

The road spreads fluorescent
of course, we repeat in patient panic

reasons fistful by fistful;
thoughts dazzling out of our heads.

Re-Homing Children

How incredibly dangerous it is to be a child.

This Reuters investigative report about "re-homing" adopted children with no oversight via law enforcement or child welfare agencies is frightening, bleak, and fucking... breaks... my... heart.

_

Tic-Tac-Toe

I mistake the day for nothing

Moments are like prayer,

Memory still muttering.

All words shimmer earnest, 

fall underfoot where children 

rush and stomp, play, find fun.

Daylight peels itself slowly

from windows and eyes

someone I know says, "hug," 

someone else says "love"

I breathe as though 

for someone far; CPR

I am a daughter of dread

my self-conscious prayers rise

like the breath of those dead.

_

NuNu Love

7:30. After I packed everyone's lunches, 

I rushed to get changed for school.

In the time it took me to change, 

she slipped her smiley "I heart you" 

into my lunchbox.

When I got home at 4:30, she grabbed me

asking, "Did you find it? Did you see it?"

She said she kept giggling at school 

thinking about that note to me. 

Me too.

_

I'm with the Band

In too much of a hurry 

to smile for me/the camera 

before he sets off to saxophone it in.

(And I watch over his shoulder.)